To forgive- the word broken down is For-Give. The word itself means its purpose is to give. Yet it remains one of the most difficult things to do, even for those with a giving heart. We wait, often in vain, for some sort of atonement. While forgiveness is the action of forgiving, the atonement definition is the action of making amends for a wrong or injury.
Often, atonement never comes, so we descend deeper into the vortex of pain, taking feelings of anger, guilt, and misery as our companions on our roller-coaster ride. Through a philisophical rather than a religious lens, salvation means "preservation or deliverance from harm, ruin, or loss."
Opening ourselves to a world of pain, we cling onto the pain that was inflicted on us or the burden of knowing we caused another pain, inflicting even more pain on ourselves as we seek to comprehend the incomprehensible, to understand why it happened, and to answer the burning questions: Is salvation possible? How did this injustice happen?
We'd all like others to do unto us as we do unto others. But we are human and therefore are not perfect. Despite being told we are perfectly made in God’s image, we have all made mistakes.
Built around the concept of fairness, justice is the mechanism that engages opposite scales to equalize the rights of people, balancing their interests according to an established moral code. Applied in different circumstances Justice is divided into legal justice, social justice, and natural justice, but there are many overlaps.
But justice is tricky to define. The philosopher Aristotle said,
“Justice ... does mean equality- but equality for those who are equal, and not for all.”
Legal justice, according to Cornell Law School, is “the ethical, philosophical idea that people are to be treated impartially, fairly, properly, and reasonably by the law.” The definition continues, indicating that justice provides that both the accuser and the accused must receive a morally right consequence- merited by their actions. While- as Aristotle had observed, this seldom is the outcome, a legal justice system is the cornerstone to a civilized, ordered society, as (again, per Aristotle) “It is in justice that the ordering of society is centered.”
A paper on Aristotle and the concept of law acknowledges that justice, that is justice as between man and man, is distinguishable from justice as between citizen and citizen. Absolute justice is relative.
Natural justice- as opposed to legal justice, is not codified but relies on principles or actions felt instinctively to be morally fair and right. Staying with Aristotle,
“Between friends, there is no need for justice, but people who are just still need the quality of friendship; and indeed friendliness is considered to be justice in the fullest sense.”
Victims of trauma and the people who have inflicted trauma on others (intentionally or not) live with their unique pain, with injustice. Both still need friendship- connection with other human beings, to live a fulfilling and fulfilled life.
Taking an intentional decision to let go of anger and resentment is the meaning of forgiveness in simple terms. It does not mean that an injustice did not happen- history is cast in stone, nor does it mean just accepting and moving on.
With an equally intentional decision to transform feelings, the dominating emotions such as anger and resentment can be expressed through compassion, generosity, or similar feelings directed towards the person who wronged you.
Justice can be living your best life without saying sorry, or hearing the words, "I'm sorry." If the person who needs forgiving dedicates their life to making the world better, even in a small way, perhaps the scales of justice can be balanced by them living the best version of themselves. In the same way, the forgiver letting go of their pain, and living their best lives, goes a long way towards balancing the wrongs that happened to them.
The Two Sides Of Pain: The Victim And The Perpetrator
The pain that lies between forgiveness and atonement is a double-edged sword. It damages both sides, the wronged and the wrong-doer. Just as a natural disaster destroys lives as it wreaks havoc across the earth, so the earth is forever changed. A hurricane uproots lives but uproots trees in the process, the trees that provide life-giving oxygen on which earth depends for its survival.
Casualties of war are never limited to one side, drivers who kill or maim others have a lifetime of regret- and sometimes incarceration, ahead of them. Victims carry their pain until it becomes so burdensome that healing is the only option.
Victims of crime suffer, perpetrators are sometimes punished by the legal system, but more often by giving away part of their humanness by inflicting pain, giving away the ability to empathize, to authentically connect with others, except perhaps others like them who are likely to inflict worse pain on them. The family of a murdered victim suffers, but taking the life of the murderer won’t bring the person back. It simply leaves two families dealing with the pain of grief, albeit that it may deliver a sense of justice, a far less satisfying outcome than the contribution to the world of a life well lived.
Wrongdoing to others, whether it’s bullying, workplace posturing, or even aggressive sibling rivalry or family squabbles, also leaves victims, yet on closer inspection, the perpetrators have often acted because they were in pain, they had suffered an injustice, and use negative coping methods by convincing themselves that inflicting pain on others will remove their pain, or taking from others will somehow make them more worthy. It doesn’t.
As victims struggle to overcome their pain, they often long to see some remorse, and find some sort of meaning to justify the injustice. Many agonizing moments can turn into years of waiting for an acknowledgment, an apology, a righting of wrongs, and more specifically, affirmation that they did not deserve what they got. They didn't.
And those who did wrong also carry their own pain. Where does all the pain end? How do we get beyond the pain to live our best lives, contributing to a better world, despite- or perhaps because of the trauma?
Letting go, factoring in forgiveness, and mustering the courage to embrace life helps.
Megan Maysie on forgiveness
Pain is something I relate to on a deeply personal level, with a series of diverse, bruising experiences that brought me to my knees. I am an expert in pain and the effects of trauma, from an intensely personal perspective. This extends to my healing journey, as I searched to find meaning in my life, meaning behind the seemingly senseless acts of others that had devastating consequences on my life, but after many years, finally started making sense. This is an account of one of my pivotal moments.
My story is a long one, but one serendipitous highlight stands out when it comes to forgiveness, a concept I spent years trying to understand, and to master. My mother was a narcissist, exacerbated by mental illness, but her bullying ways prevented others from helping her heal.
Given my role as the scapegoat against my sister's as the golden child (a psychopath herself, perhaps by nurture), my close relationship with my father (one of the most decent, honorable people I was ever fortunate enough to encounter, but my mother's enabler through his kindness) never sat well with my mother who only many years after his death acknowledged that she had spent my entire life being jealous of that relationship.
All she ever wanted, she told me, was for my father to love her the way he loved me. The tragedy is that he did, he loved every member of his family and put our needs, our happiness, above his own. But her narcissism dictated that she must have everything, a sad philosophy that my sister learned from her and amplified in her own life.
Struggling with pain inflicted by my mother, followed by a vicious taking over of her role by my psychopathic sister when our mother became too frail to care for herself, I faced open warfare but didn't realize at the time that my sister was dismantling my life to secure all the family's assets for herself. Bringing lies and spreading hatred as she ravaged my life, my downward spiral started spinning.
In the middle of it, about a month before my mother died, a Christian friend said she had received a message from God for me. A woman committed to her faith, I had seen by her testimony that God does deliver miracles. My friend told me I had to visit my mother and ask her to forgive me, and seeing the skepticism on my face, she laughed. "I know you've done nothing to be forgiven for, but that is the message."
Mustering the courage to visit my mother by reminding myself where the message had come from, I found my way to her the next day. I was not welcomed but nonetheless sat down with my mother, driven by an unseen force, to deliver my intended message.
My mother suffered from dementia by then but had lucid moments, and this was one of her better days. I listened to her anger at me for my role in appointing a curator to stem the flood of her money- money desperately needed for her care, from her bank account to my sister's who by then had stolen all the assets and was in the process of depleting the cash, under the guise of caring for our mother, notwithstanding her insistence that my mother take medication that was guaranteed to kill her. Her perception was that I had done wrong, and it was that perception that caused her pain (perhaps combined with my righteous anger over many years).
“Mom, I don’t know what I did to deserve what you dished out, but I came here today to ask you to forgive me for whatever it was that I did to you.”
Crying had always been a regular tactic of my mother to get her way. But this time, for the first time in my life, I saw real tears well up in her eyes.
“You never did anything wrong. It’s me who needs to go down on my hands and knees and beg your forgiveness,” she said.
As we sat in that vacuum, I felt myself returning to me, my body and soul felt whole for the first time in years. All the many wrongs she had done, and my sometimes ugly reactions became one as they merged into one huge heap of pain.
I forgave my mother, truly, deeply, absolutely that day, the last time I ever saw her. It was the greatest gift she ever gave me, and the first and only time in years that I left without tears streaming down my face.
I went home to vacillate between relief, self-doubt, fear, and a cocktail of emotions that overwhelmed me as much as they soothed. It took time to see it was the best possible end to a fractured and fractious relationship, but it took years of being under attack from my sister before I could rebuild my life, healing and growing, to find a new, whole, and healthy life.
In hindsight, it was the start, by putting my past behind me, I found the strength to face a new chapter. More learning was to come, but in realizing that my mother hurt others because she herself had been hurt, I ultimately could make sense of my world.
Forgiveness. I forgave and was forgiven. Only then could I start forgiving myself, letting go of my pain. But it took a while.
Forgiveness and Atonement: Real Meaning
Atone is the sum of its words: At One. Yet it requires an act of making amends or reparation to another person, defying the concept of being at one. It is a deeply personal act undertaken by one person that helps heal that particular person and expressing atonement can sometimes help the other, hurt, person, but they are not always ready to hear or process the message.
People can be cruel, it's in each one of us. When we find ourselves on the receiving end, it often takes many years of struggling, much soul-searching, and devastating effects on our lives before we embrace the core meaning of forgiveness, helping us grow. But it's often difficult to forgive as we cling to the familiarity of living with our pain.
Holding on to the pain and waiting for atonement, you are effectively giving the person who caused the pain control over your life as you wait for them to atone. Your life is split into two, who you really are and the pain that separates you from living your best life. Being at one requires taking the good, the learning, and the growth, and merging it with the real you.
Hearing someone atone for what they did to you could not be a miracle cure that removes pain in an instant unless you have made that person responsible for your happiness. They are not and such thoughts are critical to address. Atonement has the benefit of two human beings connecting, becoming one momentarily, for both to find at-one-ness in themselves. It's a magnificent experience being a whole person for both.
Retribution is not justice. Living in a society where rules apply may sometimes be inconvenient, but it’s preferable to the alternative. Aristotle said,
“At his best, man is the noblest of all animals; separated from law and justice he is the worst.”
There are two famous examples in part 2 of this work- Nelson Mandela and Corrie Ten Boom, people who experienced brutal trauma firsthand. Both chose to forgive.
Part 3 deals with people who are the so-called "wrong-doers." Both will be difficult to read from the other person's perspective. Both could be enlightening in understanding the other side.
However, these accounts may be traumatizing and could trigger negative emotions, especially if you suffer from PTSD or C-PTSD. If you do read about the other side, please do so with an open mind, without judging yourself in the light of other people.
Your life experiences are unique and no matter how hard you try, you cannot change the past. But you can change the future, and your future positive contribution to the world not only far outweighs the negativity of the past, but it provides an opportunity to pay back by living your best possible life, making some good emerge from suffering.
To forgive takes courage. To forgive yourself takes even more. But it's a far better choice than holding onto bitterness and grudges.
Some tips on forgiving:
Work towards getting into a forgiving frame of mind:
Acknowledge your emotions about the harm the injustice done to you, recognize how those emotions affect your behavior, and work to release them.
Recognize that forgiveness has value, and can improve your life.
Practice empathy by:
Thinking about the circumstances that could have led the other person to harm you.
Remembering times when others have forgiven you.
Write in a journal, pray, or use guided meditation.
Find a counselor or join a support group
Choose to forgive the person who's offended you.
Release their control and power in your life, whether you are the forgiver or the forgiven.
Be aware that forgiveness is a process and forgiveness and reconciliation are not the same thing. A new life may be built but be ready to deal with negative spaces and events that can arise. It's sometimes both unhealthy and unproductive to go into the future haunted by the ghosts of the past. Both put a barrier in their lives to salvation, preventing repair from injury.
Forgive others, and forgive yourself. Forgiveness heals. It liberates the soul and letting go of the burden makes space for beautiful new beginnings, filled with love and meaning.
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