Part 2 of the Forgiveness series
Part 1 is about forgiveness. Part 3 of this series tells the stories of those who had done things they regretted, and needed a way to be forgiven. This article- part 2 of the series, asks what happens when the pain inflicted by another as left you debilitated and drowning? done wrong, and you’re the one seeking forgiveness?
Forgiveness Meaning When The Other Person Doesn't Ask For Forgiveness...
Holding tightly onto their pain, people who have experienced wrongdoing, an injustice, an assault, or an attack on them, whether it be in physical form or packaged in the intangible form of emotional abuse, often have scars that don't seem to heal. Sometimes scars are torn open by further attacks, sometimes by experiences that trigger the same horrible emotions that include fear and even anger. Worst of all is when that pain is revisited by the person, who- especially when the other person doesn’t ask for forgiveness, holds onto their pain, and the original hurt keeps being revisited, over and over. The scar doesn’t heal and remains a gaping open wound in their emotions.
It seems ridiculous to tell someone not to drink the poison of their own emotions like anger, almost patronizing despite usually being said with the best of intentions, and out of concern, offered as advice in the healing process. But deeply hurt people have experienced life as they shouldn’t have had to, and have difficulty in processing something that makes no sense, especially when the other person doesn't ask for forgiveness.
Time itself doesn’t mend all wounds, but time is necessary to process the pain and to find a way forward that is more productive than perpetuating wrongdoing in some discombobulated way of balancing things out. In time, they may come to find ways to heal, but it’s a personal choice and the amount of time is indefinable. It takes as long as it takes, and if they are fortunate, they may have people around them who care, people who recognize the person and don’t define them by their pain, despite that people in pain too often define themselves by their pain.
Many people have healed over time, and what follows are a few examples that I hope are thought-provoking and inspirational, sparking a journey towards healing the parts and hearts that were broken.
Famous people feel so far removed from our pedestrian lives that it's difficult to relate to them as they live what looks like happy fulfilled lives, as we struggle to survive, never mind thrive. But some were once there too, and they are after all, only human. As humans, they too knew suffering, they too suffered injustices, and they too found the strength within themselves to heal and to grow. It's a capacity inside every human being on the planet. But we have to choose to heal, choose to not allow our suffering to create the further suffering of a life not fully lived. Choose to not be defined by our pain.
Nelson Mandela on forgiveness
A respected world leader, inspirational human being, and admired by many, Nelson R. Mandela (affectionately known as “Madiba,” as a sign of respect) knew suffering and injustice firsthand under the apartheid system he grew up under in South Africa as a black man.
Fighting for justice, and for the rights of many, his voice was inevitably silenced, as is the case for many people who want to live in a better world and find the courage to speak up and take action. Whistleblowers and other truth-seekers understand this too. It's the right thing to do, but in challenging entrenched interests, ill-gotten gains, and value systems that defy good moral codes, it becomes a war between good and evil, a David and Goliath battle.
After 27 years in prison for crimes he was found guilty of in his pursuit of a fair and just world, in 1990 Madiba walked out of prison as a free man and became president of South Africa just four years later. But it was a long walk to freedom, that inspired the world, leaving it a better place simply by him being in it, and leaving us a legacy of justice and love.
As president, he went to a restaurant one day, with his security entourage. After sitting down, he noticed a man at a different table and asked his team to invite the man to join them. The man accepted. He walked over and sat down next to Madiba, fixing his eyes on his plate, his hands trembling throughout the meal. On finishing his meal, the man stood up, Madiba shook his hand, and the man left.
One of the security members had noticed the man's trembling hands and thought he might be ill. Madiba disagreed. The man, as it turns out, was one of Madiba's prison wardens, one of those who tortured him. When asked for water in prison, the warden chose to humiliate Madiba, laughed at him, and instead of water, urinated on his head.
Madiba recognized the trembling hands were not signs of an illness, but signs of fear that the now president of South Africa, would send him to prison and do to the warder what the warder had done to him, that retribution would be extracted. But Madiba chose forgiveness, in that moment and countless others. Retribution was not part of his character or his ethics. He was not willing to step down to his torturer's level.
One of Mandela's most famous quotes is:
′′Minds that seek revenge destroy states, while those that seek reconciliation build nations. Walking out the door to my freedom, I knew that if I didn't leave all the anger, hatred, and resentment behind me, I would still be a prisoner."
Nelson R. Mandela
Conflict between humans is as old as homo sapiens, if not older. As war mongerer's battle, there are always victims of war. Brutal assaults inflict physical and emotional pain. Stripping people of their people of their identity through attacks, propaganda, and cruel tactics is commonplace in war, and outside of wars.
Together with her family, Corrie Ten Boom, a Dutch watchmaker, spent the first part of World War II helping many Jewish people escape from Nazi Germany by hiding them in “The Hiding Place” in their home in The Netherlands. The family was arrested in February 1944 and taken to prison, where her father died ten days later.
Housed in various concentration camps where forced labor and worse atrocities were the order of the day, Corrie and her sister Betsie spoke about founding a place of healing after the war, but Betsie died in a concentration camp at the age of 59. Due to a clerical error, Corrie was released twelve days later despite being earmarked to head to the gas chambers. She returned home and set up a healing center, as the girls had discussed.
But three years later, in a church in Munich, Corrie saw a balding heavyset man in a gray overcoat. She was in Germany to bring a message of forgiveness and one of her torturers, a man whose cruelty was also meted out to Betsie, a nazi concentration camp guard surely undeserving of forgiveness, stood before her in his gray overcoat as his nazi uniform with its skull and crossbones insignia flashed through Corrie's mind. Not recognizing Corrie, he greeted her as a friend.
As the past rushed through Corrie's mind in a reel, the man expressed how good it is to know that- as Corrie had preached, "all our sins are at the bottom of the sea!"
Fumbling as she froze, searching for words, it became clear that despite her vivid recollections, he did not remember her. He acknowledged the cruel things he had done in broad terms, and asked the question many long to hear from their persecutors: "Will you forgive me?"
Corrie struggled, wrestling with the most difficult thing she had ever had to do. But she knew she had to do it if her sins were to be forgiven. She stood, coldness clutching her heart, realizing that forgiveness is not an emotion, but an act of the will. Her silent prayer to Jesus was'
“Jesus, help me! I can lift my hand. You supply the feeling.”
Woodenly, mechanically thrusting her hand out, as it touched the hand of her tormentor, a current, starting in her shoulder, raced down her arm, and leaped into the joined hands. A healing warmth flooded her whole being, bringing tears to her eyes. Corrie said,
“I forgive you, brother! With all my heart!”
In her book, Corrie describes the moment as one in which she had never known God's love so intensely.
Forgiving was never a hard thing to do from that point, but it was a process that started with weeks of seething inside, before- through God’s love, she received a flood of joy and peace.
It’s in forgiveness that these two extraordinary people released their pain, making space for the fame and fortune that lay ahead. They gave forgiveness meaning.
But forgiveness is not just for the famous. My experience doesn’t emanate from the kind of warfare that seared pain into the lives of Mandela and Ten Boom. Gratefully, I have also been spared brutal physical attacks or the devastating effects of natural disasters. But trauma- and the pain that it brings, is not, it seems, a readily categorizable thing.
Friends and acquaintances have shared their stories of pain with me that include these as well as experiences of rape, losing loved ones, abuse, coming under fire in their working environments, and many of life's seemingly endless array of distressing events. And I’m a writer, therefore I read. A lot, including accounts by victims whose pain is etched across their faces, dulling the sparkle in their eyes. Some spend tears struggling with PTSD or C-PTSD.
Pain is the great equalizer. It affects the famous and the not-so-famous. Some find themselves unable to cope, many find their way out of the vortex and go on to become successful and happy people, outcomes that may have been different without the painful experience and the opportunity for learning and growing it brings.
Forgiveness is meaningful, whether it’s forgiving a captor, a parent, a sibling, a spouse, or any other person who has caused pain. To give forgiveness to those who have inflicted harm on you is the greatest gift you can give yourself. But it's mind-bendingly difficult to accept the gift, for both the forgiver and the forgiven, it means acknowledging you are worthy, and letting go of the all too familiar pain can be a frightening thought.
Finding yourself, and owning your real self may be the most complicated part of healing, and the scariest. It takes courage and self-reflection and mostly it takes being kind to yourself.
This article is just one in a series. Part three deals with people who are seeking forgiveness in an effort to understand both sides of the scale of justice. You may find insight into the pain the perpetrators suffer, but that in itself will never bring you healing. It may also be hard to read and may trigger or spark anger. Read it if you're ready, with an open mind. Skip it if you feel you cannot handle more pain and head to the main article where I hope you will find a spark that sets you on a healing path.
However long your healing journey has been, or however long it may still take, it is worthwhile, simply because you are worthwhile. Letting go of the pain, letting go of the emotions attached to that pain that we carry so close to our hearts is possible. Forgive yourself, and forgive others. Freely and gladly. Letting go opens your heart and your path to the real meaning of life. Acknowledge that pain and suffering gave your life meaning for a while, it brought you to that point of desperation, where you could seek and find real meaning in life and forgiveness: Love, joy, and connection with others.
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