Forgiveness Part 3
Part 1 is about forgiveness. Part 2 of this series tells the stories of those who were wronged but needed to find a way to forgive others. But what happens when you have done wrong, and you’re the one seeking forgiveness?
People are not perfect beings. We all make mistakes, often many. But sometimes those mistakes can cause pain and suffering, other times the pain and suffering of others is a by-product of actions that never intended to cause pain- a war veteran who served their country and the greater good, yet lives with the pain caused nonetheless, a driver in a car accident that caused a life of suffering for another human being and a lifetime of regret for the driver, the robber who stole to feed his family but was cornered and killed someone in a moment of desperation, an addict who stole or inflicted pain to get their next fix, their relief from pain.
These are all people who often live a life of regret, overwhelmed by their own pain, almost as though it is a penance for their actions that may somehow right the wrongs, yet it doesn't.
Two wrongs don't make a right, and suffering caused can never be healed through another's suffering- even advanced prison systems globally have recognized this and look to rehabilitation as a preferred option, allowing the mistake maker the opportunity to make a positive difference in the world, and in doing so, to heal their pain.
Saying sorry is one of the hardest things to do. It takes courage to overcome the fear of possibly being rejected, your apology being ignored. It starts with forgiving yourself and asking forgiveness may help both you and the one you hurt to heal. But healing remains the most important part for both the forgiven and the forgiven, when the process of forgiveness happens or not.
There was a time when actor Sir Anthony Hopkins struggled with alcoholism and described himself as "disgusted, busted and not to be trusted." Life happened and a divorce coupled with an intermittent relationship with his daughter left pain in its wake. Addiction soon followed.
He simply could not stop the destructive, mainly self-destructive, behavior. Until one day he took what he calls a quantum leap from atheism into believing. Forgiveness, for Sir Anthony, included forgiving himself and he puts this in perspective in a video he does in this video:
As Frank Sinatra sings, “regrets, I have a few, but then again, too few to mention.” On regrets, Sir Anthony says it's more important to move on:
How To Forgive Yourself
The regrets we have are sometimes for the mistakes we made.
Acknowledge to yourself what you did wrong.
Acknowledge that you cannot change what you did, no matter how much you would like to.
Ask yourself if there is anything you can do do fix things, but understand that there seldom is. Often we make a worse mess when we are trying to make things better.
If you have tried to say sorry and have been rejected, acknowledge that the person is in pain, carries a lot of anger, or has other reasons for the rejection. This is outside of your control.
Make a conscious decision to forgive yourself.
Dig deep and tell yourself how sorry you are, and that you forgive your younger self.
Find ways to rebuild your self-esteem and move on
Make the best of your life, giving the world the very best of you.
Ordinary people often find themselves where Sir Anthony once was, overwhelmed by pain and regret, and sometimes suffering from PTSD or C-PTSD. Military veterans who were simply following orders, doing what they believed to be good deeds, and risking their lives in the process, often carry those regrets.
"We give up leisure in order that we may have leisure,
just as we go to war in order that we may have peace."- Aristotle
Life is a balancing act, where needs, wants, and rights are limited by the needs, wants, and rights of others. Caught up in their own interests, people often put themselves above others. Hurting others, men who beat up their wives, people who get romantically involved with married people, there are so many wrongs people do to each other without the very real noble causes behind the veteran's actions who are simply caught up in following orders, those same orders that, in the bigger picture, serves the greater good.
Even in the case of an accident, or pursuing less noble causes- such as self-enrichment or instant gratification, some experience sincere remorse, but are faced with the added burden of finding someone to believe them, particularly those who have been sentenced in the legal system, a world where many others have feigned remorse, only to revert to a life of crime. But those with real remorse do their time and rebuild their lives, spending whatever time they have left giving back to the world. And isn't that how we should define ourselves- by what we give, not by what we get?
Forgiving is for giving, to those who have wronged you, but also to yourself.
If you have reached the point that you accept the mistakes you've made, and have taken on the burden of carrying the pain of those you may have caused harm to, you need healing to be a whole and happy person, not just for yourself, but to serve the rest of the world. It is, ironically, by living your best life, a life of giving, that pain caused can be leveled, the scales balanced. But it needs to come from you, acknowledging their pain from your heart and soul. To do otherwise would disrespect the pain others may have suffered by your hand. You understand pain, and if you are searching for healing you've progressed to the level that you wouldn't want anyone else to feel the way you do.
When we are the ones who need to ask for forgiveness, it's often just as painful as those who need to be asked. It's sometimes harder to accept forgiveness than it is to receive it. Feeling undeserving and worthless, we can't see past our own pain and understand that forgiveness, in whichever direction it flows, creates a sense of peace in the hearts of all concerned.
Asking, even begging for forgiveness may sometimes be rejected by the other person. But forgiveness is an intimate, highly personal act. A sincere regret, remorse for the wrongdoing, and- more importantly the pain caused, is the first step towards healing, on both sides. But to be sincere, there must be an acknowledgment to yourself of the wrongs, remorse, and self-forgiveness to ask the same of others.
Asking For Forgiveness And Moving On
You can’t fix what’s broken, even if you broke it. But you can do better in the future because carrying the past is seldom a good idea. New beginnings, and living in the present are valuable tools that can easily be derailed by the pain of the past.
If you have hurt someone, it’s your responsibility to be remorseful and to fix what you can, and acknowledge what can’t be fixed. But it’s up to them to heal from that hurt in their own time. It can become a toxic relationship where the hurts of the past are haunting a relationship. The wounds may heal, but the scars, especially in mutually destructive relationships, keep being reopened.
Life is always moving and there’s no returning in time. Accept where you are today, and move forward from there.
Today is a good day to start healing. If you still need to ask: Just ask...
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