Master manipulators that leave you feeling wiped out, confused, and like everything is your fault, somehow, the cluster B personality types- that include psychopaths and narcissists, will change your reality. And not in a good way.
My mother was a narcissist who turned my sister into a psychopath. As a well-trained empath, I spent a lifetime being their toxic dumping ground. Voluntarily!?! When regularly going back for more over and over again, and blaming myself for things I had no control over for many, many years came close to destroying me, I learned the hard way that it never really was about me. Toxic people simply dump their poison on whoever will accept it and it takes some work to learn how to refuse them entry to your psyche.
Understanding What Makes Psychopaths And Narcissists Tick
Psychiatrists and psychologists tend to take a clinical approach to highly personal issues, categorizing symptoms and analyzing personalities like biologists dissecting a fly under a microscope. With a huge body of data in the field, this seemingly cold and calculated approach is key to diagnosis and treatment. Mostly, it works, provided the patient is willing to put in the time and effort to heal.
Personality traits and symptoms are grouped to form a pattern that falls into various clusters of mental illnesses, diseases, or disorders. Cluster C disorders for example are defined by anxious thoughts and behavior. Cluster A disorders, on the other hand, feature "odd" thinking and behaviors such as paranoia or a lack of emotional responses.
Cluster B Personality Disorder- in the publication Profiling and Serial Crime (Third Edition), 2014 are the dramatic, intensely emotional, or erratic (and unpredictable) disorders, and are most strongly associated with violent crimes, particularly in the case of antisocial and borderline personality disorders.
Emotional under control is more characteristic of cluster B which includes the following personality disorders:
Antisocial (Psychopaths are considered to have a severe form of antisocial personality disorder )
Narcissistic
Borderline
Histrionic
Maladaptive personality traits such as narcissism, psychopathy, and Machiavellianism are often seen in Cluster B personality disorders, and these people display poor coping mechanisms and diminished emotion regulation. As in, they want it so they take it and the end in their minds, always justifies the sometimes incredibly cruel means.
Their wants are their only priority. They simply do not care about the other person and the most powerful tool they have to achieve their ends is you.
In Greek mythology, Narcissus, a hunter, was universally known for his beauty, acknowledged by men and women alike. He could have picked anyone as a partner but eventually found and fell in love with "the one," his own reflection in a pool of water.
Narcissism- the self-centered personality style, is derived from Narcissus, the Greek legend, and in extreme form, it contributes to the definition of narcissistic personality disorder. Its hallmarks are an inability to empathize, grandiosity, and an excessive need for attention and admiration.
Narcissistic personality disorder also happens to be associated with increased numbers of crimes against the person, including homicide.
How Can You Tell If A Person Is Narcissistic?
Duke Health uses the acronym “SPECIAL ME” to list narcissist traits:
Sense of self-importance
Preoccupied with power, beauty, or success
Entitled
Can only be around people who are important or special
Interpersonally exploitative for own gain
Arrogant
Lack empathy
Must be admired
Envious of others or believe that others are envious of them
It’s worth remembering that “Special Me” is exactly what narcissists think they are. It’s all about them in their own minds.
Arguably, the most infamous psychopath, serial killer Jeffrey Dahmer, was imprisoned for life on charges of murder, disorderly conduct, second-degree sexual assault, and enticing a child for immoral purposes. The official victim count of 17 belies the real numbers and the brutality and cold-bloodedness of Dahmer. The documentary, Dahmer on Dahmer makes for chilling but riveting viewing, giving a bird's eye view into the mind of a psychopath as his measured tones almost normalize drilling holes into the head of a victim in a typically manipulating monotone.
Psychopathy is a personality disorder. Characterized by disturbances in the emotional, interpersonal, and behavioral patterns, psychopaths are predators who take gross advantage of others, neglecting and disrespecting their interests. They do not care about the pain they inflict on their prey.
Psychopaths don’t experience pleasure by empathically responding to the joy in others. Disturbingly, from a genetic perspective, there are strong indications that psychopathic traits in males do show up as psychopathic traits in their male and female offspring.
Several sources claim Dahmer's IQ was around 145- in the genius range, while others put it in the superior range at 121. He was a smart guy who knew what he was doing but it just didn't bother him. One must wonder what went through his mind when he was eventually bludgeoned to death in prison. Empaths (and I'm one of them), ridiculously almost want to feel sorry for him. Psychopaths everywhere count on that.
How Can You Tell If A Person Is A Psychopath?
Psychopathy‘s key features are:
An uncaring temperament: including lying, using, or manipulating others to get what they want.
Boldness and social dominance: including arrogance, engaging in thrill-seeking, not showing or even feeling fear in situations that would scare most people.
Disinhibited behavior: including boredom, not planning ahead, acting without thinking of the consequences, and a failure to keep promises or commitments.
Psychopaths and sociopaths, according to Britannica, are both pathologically prone to criminal or violent behavior. They lack any regard for the feelings or interests of others and experience no feelings of remorse or guilt for their crimes. They display similar traits but psychopaths are born whereas sociopaths are made.
Both psychopaths and sociopaths share features with people with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). Psychopaths, lacking empathy, a conscience, and respect for authority tend to be more violent and dangerous. Sociopaths are similar but are manipulative and deceitful rather than outright violent.
Selfish and cruel, narcissists are less likely to engage in impulsive, violent, or illegal activities. They generally lack empathy and have unrealistically high opinions of themselves, limiting themselves to shallow relationships with people they can exploit and manipulate while appearing glib and charming. Narcissists often have a compelling need for the admiration, esteem, or envy of others, something the psychopaths usually have no interest in.
But both cause pain and devastation in their wake, caring little for the plight of their victims as they carry on with their lives by keeping the mask of respectability firmly in place.
Masking their cruelty with a veneer of saintliness, those that know them better see sycophants- a toady, bootlicker, leech, fawner, or apple polisher who works hard at deceiving people into believing they are the most awesome thing to happen in their victims’ lives. All the while, the mask hides their sense of inadequacy, as they present themselves in a way that gets them what they want while protecting them from harm.
It's this mask that often does even more damage. The initial vicious attacks, malicious actions, and cruel ways in which your self, your things, and other close relationships are purloined are destructive. It matters no one iota to the cluster B type, who smells a new opportunity in their weakened victims- the chance to take away their identity and get away with depraved behavior.
Their mask of saintliness allows them to gaslight, lie, and brazenly tell the world how terrible their victims are, how the victims deserved what they got, as the cluster B denies any responsibility, and refuses to accept any consequences. It's all your fault- or it's in your crazy mind. And they have already told those closest to you that you're the one who fucked up, who is fucked-up, leaving you isolated in your pain, with no voice.
Above all, cluster B types care about themselves. Self-preservation, self-absorption, and self-everything are their trademark. How they look to the world is how they get away with murder, sometimes literally, other times figuratively. The Mask is what the world thinks they are and gives them the freedom to act with impunity. The mask must be maintained.
But when it slips, things start to get ugly. They know when you’ve figured them out and respond with crushing blows. When the psychopath or narcissist mask slips, expect:
Intense anger and rage: The compassionate countenance is replaced by a lashing wave of verbal, sometimes physical abuse.
Blame-shifting: Accusations about you will fly around to paint you as the abuser, their actions meek responses in self-defense.
Gaslighting: Distorting the truth and challenging your sanity, gaslighting is a smoke and mirrors strategy that deflects attention from the abuser.
Manipulation tactics: They must win at all costs and will worm their way out of the tight corner by manipulating others.
True feelings are exposed: People who no longer serve their interests will be devalued or discarded.
Playing the victim: It's never their fault and they will never accept that they are not perfect.
Refusal to accept the consequences: The infamous psychopath Ted Bundy was still using this tactic on his way to being executed. His last words were "Give my love to my family and friends," as though he was just stepping out when an acknowledgment or apology to the families of his victims would have given them great comfort. It was only his family that mattered.
It's a lose-lose situation but the stakes are high for the cluster B's- their carefully crafted fake persona's are at risk. Like a wounded beast, they will fight to the death. The only way to win is to run. As fast and as far as you can. That way, you win your life back, your sense of self, and that’s a far more worthy prize than bragging rights for beating a cluster B.
Shock, horror, confusion, and numbness are common side effects of being on the wrong side of a narcissist or psychopath. They take away your sense of self, your voice, your identity as they delight in sucking the joy from your life.
Inflicting damage on their victims that often turns to long-lasting pain that overwhelms and debilitates, the emotional and verbal abuse hurled by cluster B types, combined with their cruel, persistent attempts at sabotage, have been known to drive their victims to self-destruction and suicide.
A study of narcissistic and psychopathic traits in romantic partners predicts post-traumatic stress disorder symptoms will manifest in victims. It shows narcissistic and psychopathic partner traits are both unique and significant predictors of PTSD symptoms related to the relationship. The partner traits contribute to PTSD symptoms even when childhood abuse and manipulative tactics are accounted for.
PTSD from narcissistic abuse can appear as several emotional, cognitive, and physical symptoms, but these vary between individuals. Re-experiencing is common and can lead to Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD). PTSD stems from trauma and is identifiable by the symptoms experienced by the victims.
The trauma can lead to anxiety or depression, and long-term Narcissistic Abuse has been reported in rare cases to cause brain damage. Regulating emotions, mood swings, and anger outbursts are often experienced.
Narcissism and psychopathy have destructive, debilitating, and sometimes deadly consequences for the victims. The cluster B types don't care so stop fooling yourself by thinking they will one day change/apologize/ become even a 10th of the good person you are. They would never have tried to take you down to their level if you weren't far more awesome than they are ever capable of being.
There is some debate about whether personality disorders come about by nature or nurture. My mother, a narcissist, made a psychopath- my sister, her golden child. Or perhaps my sister is a sociopath. I neither know nor care. As heartless as that sounds, the point is that after relentless attacks, abuse, bullying, or whatever you may want to call their activities, I realized that I matter. Just like you matter, even if you have been made to feel you don't.
Healing after a narcissist or psychopath has left you feeling powerless needs a gentle approach. As a trauma victim, it's essential to be kind and patient with yourself and to find a way to love yourself. It's unlikely that you will get back the old life you long for, but that's a good thing. You have the opportunity to clean the slate and rebuild your life into something ridiculously fabulous.
8 Things to do to recover from narcissistic or psychopathic abuse:
Set firm boundaries.
Make a conscious effort to heal and find what resonates with you. This may include:
Working on your self-esteem
Finding healing modalities that work for you. This may include ancient healing techniques
Reach out to other people. If existing relationships are too complicated, there are ways to make new connections (there are 8 billion people on earth, they don't all believe the perpetrator), and it's that human connection that's often the key to better mental wellness.
Shift your thinking. You are the center of your universe, the master of your own destiny. Don't be defined by the lies told about you or the belittled person your perpetrator tried to make you in order to feel big about themselves.
Stop being a masochist. Why are you punishing yourself for someone else’s bad behavior?
Learn as much as you can about narcissism or psychopathy. If nothing else, you may come to recognize that it is an illness and you are not the person to administer the miracle cure.
Seek the help of mental health professionals experienced in personality disorders, trauma, and abusive relationships.
Be thankful for what’s left, and who left. It was a hard learning experience to be grateful for but your life is better without them.
Your journey may be rocky and seem endless, but there's no such thing as a waste of time. Everything you do is progress. Even when it feels like you’re not moving forward, know that you are gaining beautiful life lessons and wisdom along the way. At your own sweet time, cultivate an environment that allows you to mindfully spectate your surroundings, because who knows the treasures you might uncover along the journey?
And never forget: It’s not about them, it’s about you. YOU deserve better.
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