There are 2 ways of feeling lonely:
1. When there’s nobody physically close to you, and you feel lonely.
2. When there’s nobody emotionally close to you and you find yourself surrounded by people who you struggle to connect with because they aren’t like you. This is what it means to feel alone, whether it’s by choice or not.
While being lonely is a feeling, being alone is a state of being that has a wide range of feelings attached to it, from feeling depressed, lonely, and isolated, to being ecstatic about having time to yourself, whether it’s for an hour or two away from the rest of the world or spending most your life away from others by choice.
But this choice isn’t always voluntary, it sometimes happens because we simply don’t feel like engaging with what we see as a cruel world, or choose self-preservation over the human connection. It’s when we lose the meaningful bond with others that we start feeling increasingly disconnected, and flounder around trying to figure out the meaning of our life.
The Human Connection VS Being Alone
When we choose to live in our own little bubble, whether it’s a bubble of happiness or a bubble of misery, we find ourselves craving company at times, and sometimes it’s an ever-present hole that no matter how desperately we reach out to others, it just doesn’t ever feel gratifying. Connecting with other human beings is neither as simple nor as satisfying as we thought it would be.
What is the point of human connection?
Human connections are important but it’s the depth that matters. Harvard set out in 1938 with a Study of Adult Development that asked the question: Have you ever wondered what keeps us healthy and happy as we go through life?
Tracking the lives of two different groups of men, Harvard sophomores and a group of boys from Boston’s poorest neighborhoods for decades, the researchers kept in touch with 724 men from their teenage years through their ’90s, and then their children’s lives. The participants were asked to fill out questionnaires every two years, were interviewed, and asked for access to their medical records. The fourth director of the Harvard 75 year study, Robert Waldinger, shared their findings in 2015:
Results of the Harvard “what keeps us happy” study:
Having strong social connections and good relationships keeps us
healthier and happier as we go through life.
By keeping us healthier and happy, interacting is a crucial element of being human but conversely, it is suffering that often brings meaning to life. The two concepts intersect in at least two ways:
Healthy, happy people are often the target of others, who are driven by jealousy and greed to take away from others, either to have a better life for themselves, or to feel that at least they are better than their victims, having dominated and reduced them to an even more miserable state than theirs.
The authentic state of happiness achieved by people who have known darker times and worked through excruciating pain caused by human connections comes at a high price. As helpless as victims feel at times, it is though healing that new meaning is often found, and new paths are forged, neither of which would have been considered were it not for their suffering. A profound happiness is far better appreciated and maintained when time, effort, and suffering have been the price.
The benefits of being alone
The simple truth remains: Human connection the key to health and happiness. But a different study, Alone but not lonely: how solitude boosts wellbeing digs into the difference between loneliness and being alone.
Suggesting the soothing effects of solitude, being alone was linked with increased feelings of reduced stress. Just one day with more time in solitude also also ties up with the feeling of freedom to choose and be yourself .
Loneliness can come from the feeling of not being connected despite being around others, or from voluntary solitude. But when more hours in a day are spent alone, people start to feel lonely and less satisfied, underscoring the potential impact of social isolation. Everyday solitude has both beneficial and harmful relationships with well-being.
Why do some people choose to be alone?
Sometimes it’s a choice for personal reasons, sometimes it’s because things have happened to leave no other options, when you feel overwhelmed or unsafe in groups or just misunderstood, are quick to anger or just disinterested in being around people. The symptoms of PTSD include feeling detached from friends and family (social isolation), negative thoughts about yourself or others, difficulty maintaining close relationships, and an inability to experience positive emotions.
For many, it’s just taking time out to do stuff, or to get some-me-time and before returning to the world. People also have specific reasons for living a reclusive life. It has been suggested that Howard Hughes likely suffered from obsessive-compulsive disorder causing him to become a recluse. For others, it’s that sweeping feeling of emotionally numbness that makes engaging with others unappealing and not worth the effort.
What does loneliness do to someone?
There is a relationship between loneliness, psychiatric disorders and physical health ? A Review on the Psychological Aspects of Loneliness
We are a social species, needing safe and secure social surroundings to survive. Impaired social relationship can lead to loneliness while valuable social relationships are vital to mental and physical well being. Loneliness can lead to:
Depression.
Sleep problems.
Alcohol abuse.
Child abuse.
Personality disorders.
Alzheimer’s disease.
Physical disorders like diabetes, autoimmune disorders, cardiovascular diseases, cancer, and obesity.
Premature aging.
Generally poor health.
Ongoing loneliness can have serious consequences for mental and physical health and is one of the main indicators of social well-being.
Loneliness Statistics & Facts
The Loneliness Statistics Worldwide 2024 from What's The Big Data? Is a 2021 global survey that indicates 33% of individuals globally feel lonely. Brazil is the leader with 50% of people feeling lonely often regularly, 52% of people in the United States say they have experienced loneliness.
Young adults aged 18 to 24 are the loneliest age group but old adults- those aged 65 and above, are the age group with the lowest number of lonely people.
Social media is linked with increased feelings of loneliness and 77% of people who have poor physical health are lonely but the survey does not indicate whether poor physical health caused the loneliness or the loneliness led to a decline in health.
How To Live A Happy Unlonely Life
In the thesaurus, the words listed as the opposite of lonely include sociable, befriended, close, and- importantly, loved. Positive relationships are as crucial to physical, mental, and emotional well-being as eating healthy, exercising regularly, or getting enough sleep.
Health plays a role too and while health factors sometimes lead to loneliness, the reverse is also true. But feeling lonely is always very personal. As a writer, I am completely content to spend hours or days alone, absorbed in the words on the page, whether I’m reading them or writing them. It’s an extremely happy place for me, but without my close connections to connect with, I would be lost.
Everyone knows a lot of people, whether it’s family, friends, people from work, so-called friends on social media, or even people you see regularly at social events or even shopping. There’s 8 billion people on the planet so connecting with other human beings is inevitable. But it’s the quality of our relationships that determines the quality of our life. Strong connections matter. People matter.
Practising gratitude and living mindfully make an immense difference to inner peace and happiness. Finding happiness in ourselves is perhaps one of the most important life lessons we can experience. There is value in being responsible for our own happiness, internalizing what makes us happy rather than looking to others to make us happy.
There is truth in the belief that if you are not happy, you cannot look to someone else to make you happy. It is shared happiness that matters, that lifts our souls.
To find happiness within yourself is beautiful.
Happiness shared between people who truly care about each other is sublime.
When You're Feeling Lonely
Happiness- the authentic state of being happy, is something worth striving for. Loneliness kills. There are ways to be happy:
Make the effort to grow strong social connections
Even though some days we’d like it to be different, “Other People Matter.” The Importance of Strong Social Connections confirms that despite taking effort, developing and maintaining good relationships is absolutely worth it. The ROI in terms of what Dr. Tal Ben-Shahar, founder of the Happiness Studies Academy, calls the ultimate currency, is happiness. But we need to make relationships a priority, and we need to make them real.
Happiness makes live worth living and is a a product of our pursuits. It’s a good idea to cultivate a diversified network of friends. This gives us an emotional variety but it’s just as important- if not more so, nurture a few truly close friends- those select few who you can deeply trust and rely on. The ones that are defined by caring about the other and their happiness. Therefore, quality counts more than quantity.
Cultivate meaningful relationships
Be proactive: Don’t wait for people to come to you, reach out. Don’t be disheartened by negative responses, just keep trying.
Find like-minded people: It’s easier for people with common interests and values to build a strong connection.
Be vulnerable: Vulnerable interactions are the hardest for vulnerable people but a willingness to talk about personal experiences and worries shows the other person they hold a special place in your life. You may be rejected, even a few times, but the right people will come along and being vulnerable builds intimacy and deepens your connection.
Be yourself: And have the courage to be confident.
Be curious: Ask questions, but be sincere. Find out what’s going on in the other person’s life. Let them know you care and make appropriate comments at appropriate times.
Remember not everyone one matters but you do: You have unique value to give the world and whatever your broken parts may be, those that matter won’t mind, and those that mind don’t matter.
Be empathetic: Feel what they feel, but don’t give advice unless the other person asks for it.
Build trust: Keep to your arrangements and follow through on commitments. Keep confidential information private.
Give it time: Spend quality time with your connections.
Strong social connections are the cornerstone of a good life but- unlike love, friends are made rather than found. Growing meaningful connections with family members, friends, and significant others incrementally increases happiness and adds meaning to life.
Increase your chances of making new friends
Go for a walk: Whether it’s an organized event or just through the neighbourhood, there are always others along the way to chat with.
Accept invitations to social gatherings: There may be someone there who shares your interests or that you click with.
Join a group or club: Sharing an interest or hobby is an important element to friendship.
Reconnect with old friends.
Volunteer: By sharing a cause worth fighting for or helping others it uplifts you and exposes you to like-minded people.
Get involved in a sport, especially team-sport: Soccer, basketball, or any other sports give the benefit of a workout while being a social outing and opportunity to meet new people.
Invite a colleague for coffee or lunch.
Investing time in making connections and strengthening your relationships always pays off in happiness. It’s never to late to start making new connections and just getting out there is preferable to ruminating about problems.
Pain is inevitable, healing is a personal choice. The human connection is when two or more people choose to engage in vulnerable interactions. Each person is heard, seen, known and valued, making it a precious resource in the parts that make a whole person.
Be Alone Not Lonely
Celebrate the time you get to spend alone. But when that turns to isolation, the solution to loneliness is simple: Get in the right environment. And the right headspace. Your mountain is waiting...
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